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A successful marriage takes hard work and a lot of sweat, effort, and tears, but there are obvious red flags that indicate your marriage isn’t a healthy one. One of those red flags is when – as an individual, a wife, or mother – you aren’t valued by your husband.
While feeling unvalued can just be a lack of communication or poor communication skills, it often runs deeper, and this is when your marriage is in trouble.
No person is worthy of being taken for granted and unappreciated in a marriage; it is a relationship of give AND take.
So if you feel like your husband doesn’t value you but you aren’t sure, stick around to learn all about the signs your husband doesn’t value you, what it means to be valued, and what your options are when red flags like being unappreciated pop up in your relationship.
What Does It Mean to Be Valued?
To be valued in a relationship is to feel heard, seen, and gotten. It’s something you instinctively know and feel, and there are also signs your partner, friend, family member, or colleague values, cherishes, and appreciates you.
In most transactional relationships, the other person will value what you do for them and what you can do for them, and while this is true even in platonic and romantic relationships, you need more. You are worthy of more.
You are worthy of being valued for who you are as a person first (after all, that’s whom your husband fell in love with if we look at marriages) and then for who you are to them—the bringer of value and joy and sunshine to their life.
In fact, you should even be valued during the darker times in life too. How you handled that challenge. How you persevere. How you let your fallible humanity shine by being authentic and true and real.
So when your husband values you, they:
The Importance of Being Valued in a Relationship
Being valued is very important in a relationship, and it’s something that’s often underrated or overlooked.
Showing appreciation is one of the fundamental building blocks (or the glue) of your relationship (together with love, trust, respect, vulnerability, communication, intimacy, and empathy). These foundation stones need to be always nurtured so your marriage can grow and be healthy.
When you are valued by your husband (and they also feel appreciated by you):
Personality Types to Watch Out for: Who’s most likely to Not Value You and Take You for Granted
Sadly, there are specific types of people or personalities who are more likely to take you for granted (and I mean, really not appreciate you as a person).
It’s very likely that your husband fits into one of these molds and they do appreciate you—but when you reflect on that, you realize they only value you in terms of what you do for them or that you are a pawn they can manipulate or control.
Of course, you shouldn’t judge your husband because they may just be the exception to the rule.
However, here is a list of the general personality types who don’t usually appreciate their wives (or others in their life):
21 Signs Your Husband Doesn’t Value You
While you may feel unvalued, you might just be projecting or having a blue day. If you want to be sure your husband is taking you for granted, check out these main signs that your husband doesn’t value or appreciate you.
See how many of these ring true for you:
1. Your Husband “Forgets” Big Events or Relationship Milestones
When your husband doesn’t value you, one common sign is that he forgets big events or life milestones. He doesn’t remember your birthday (or acknowledge it even though Facebook and his calendar surely notified him?).
Other stuff he forgets includes your anniversary and important dates like when you first met, when you had a big meeting or job interview, your parent’s birthday, or when you are scheduled to go for surgery. Your partner also doesn’t remember your favorite time of the year, that perfume you fell in love with when you traveled to the UK, or that novel that had such an impact on your life.
He does, however, remember other stuff like his parent’s wedding anniversary, his sibling’s job interview next week, and his bestie’s date on Friday. This makes it poignantly clear that you don’t matter.
These special occasions and things are important to you, but your husband doesn’t care and so he forgets and doesn’t make an effort to remember or show you he values you.
2. Your Husband Doesn’t Say “Thank You”
When you do something for someone, they usually say “thank you,” right? Or do something to show their gratitude. But not your husband.
He never says thank you. Not when you plan a special date night. Not when you pack him his favorite lunch to work. Not when you invite his friends over for game night and prep snacks and drinks.
He might expect these favors and niceties, or he may simply not even notice because he just doesn’t value you and takes you for granted.
3. Your Husband Makes Plans Without Considering or Asking You
Maybe your husband is the type who simply books, plans, organizes, and does, and that’s great, except he doesn’t consider you in any of these big and small decisions.
Worse than not consulting you, he also expects you to drop everything in your life and attend that work function, be there for his sister’s baby shower, or cheer him on when he plays chess or basketball.
He takes you for granted, not thinking that you might be busy or have something important going on. Your partner also just assumes that you’ll be there and want to be.
It’s super annoying, and a clear sign that you are not valued in the slightest.
4. You Do All the Chores (and More)
A marriage should be a partnership where you and your husband give and take, share, reciprocate, and equally divide household chores. But in a marriage where you are not valued, I’m sure you’ve noticed that you do everything around the house.
Your partner may simply expect you to clean, cook, shop, take care of everyone, and more, or they may say they’ll do something, only they are nowhere to be found when it comes to the doing part.
There’s also the manipulative aspect where they appear to be helpless or say they don’t know (when they do know and can do), just so that you will step in, save the day, and do whatever it is that they are too helpless (aka lazy) to do.
And while you are so busy doing everything in and around the house, your husband doesn’t even appreciate what you do and your sacrifices to keep the house running as smoothly as it does.
5. Your Husband Never Asks for Your Advice or Opinion
It probably feels like you don’t exist, right? Your husband never consults you on anything; they don’t ask for your ideas, thoughts, opinions, or advice.
It doesn’t matter that you’re a successful HR manager and know all about what interviewers are looking for in a candidate, while your husband has been looking for a job for the last six months—he’s not interested in your help. And when you do try to help and advise, they change the topic, don’t pay attention, or act all superior and mighty because they know best, right?
All of your experiences, education, and instincts are taken for granted because you are never part of the decision-making or problem-solving process. They don’t care and they don’t want to hear what you’ve got to say.
6. Your Husband Makes No Effort to Be Romantic or Intimate
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be romanced and build an intimate relationship with your partner (and I mean the kind that extends to emotional, spiritual, intellectual, experiential, AND physical intimacy).
You may not want a lot of PDA or huge romantic gestures, but your husband should want to go on date nights and wine and dine you. He should also flirt with you (at least on occasion) and make an effort to be intimate.
But when you aren’t valued, your husband doesn’t try to be romantic (even if you’ve hinted or tried to take the lead) or have intimate experiences with you.
7. Your Husband Doesn’t Ask About Your Day or Life
This one seems obvious, right? When your husband comes home, there is no asking you how your day went. And if you share something about your day over dinner, your partner just continues gulping down wine or food, possibly even interrupting you to tell you about something that happened to him. That or he outright ignores you.
Your partner may not think to check in with you, but they may also assume that they know or they may simply not care. No matter the reason, they don’t appreciate you.
8. Your Husband Is Unfaithful
Husbands cheat for all kinds of reasons, but one of these could be that he doesn’t value you. He probably thinks that you’ll stick around, even if he is unfaithful, a clear sign that he takes you for granted.
He may also not care about what happens to your marriage if you find out that he has a girl on the side, which may be an even more painful pill to swallow.
9. Your Husband Dismisses Your Concerns
One sign of toxic behavior in a relationship where you aren’t appreciated is when your husband doesn’t care about your concerns and worries. Your feelings and experiences don’t matter, and so your husband doesn’t prioritize them.
The power in your relationship, if your concerns are easily dismissed, is imbalanced, and you may find that it’s not easy or safe to stand up for yourself and air your concerns.
Moreover, your partner may also try to gaslight you by trivializing or minimizing your feelings and saying things like “You are too sensitive,” “You are overemotional,” and “You are overreacting. Calm down.”
10. Your Husband Doesn’t Respect You
A person who disrespects you definitely doesn’t value you. Your husband is being disrespectful when he uses harsh tones to speak to you, call you out in public, deliberately do things he knows will hurt and upset you, or act like a jerk in every way (at home and in public).
In a healthy marriage, your husband should be adding to your well-being and happiness, not be intent on destroying it by being disrespectful.
11. Your Husband Doesn’t Include You with His Friends or Family
Your husband may have a legit reason for wanting to keep you at arm’s length with his friends and family. They may be toxic and dysfunctional, or they may not be happy because he married you.
Nevertheless, you aren’t allowed to interact with them and you aren’t included when he goes to see his mom for Sunday brunch or his friends after work.
What he wants and his needs are more important than yours, and you’ll find that he’s very secretive about his friends and family, not wanting you to know about them, how he spends time with them, or what he does for them.
12. You Don’t Feel Like You Are Enough
Sometimes being unvalued is all about how you feel (realistically and as objectively as you can) rather than what your husband is specifically doing when he takes you for granted.
When you aren’t appreciated, you feel like you are not good enough and nothing you—no matter how hard you try to please your husband and do stuff for him—will ever be good enough, and it definitely isn’t “just enough” either.
Feeling like “less than” 80% (and more) of the time is a sure-fire sign that you aren’t valued.
13. Your Husband Doesn’t Listen to You
Listening is a huge part of a healthy relationship because it’s how your husband makes you feel seen, heard, and gotten, which makes you feel valuable. So when your husband doesn’t listen, he is saying that what you are sharing isn’t important and that you, your thoughts, experiences, feelings, and more are not valued.
He doesn’t have a hearing problem, but what you say goes in one ear and out the other, (or as I like to think of it, the words just flow over his head). This makes you feel highly insignificant since the conversation is one-sided.
He may also leave the room at random during your “sharing session,” be dismissive when you speak, and interrupt you and change the topic (usually making it all about him or something totally random and unimportant), showing he’s not listening.
14. Your Husband Lets Himself Go
I’m sure you don’t really expect your husband to look like Superman or Adonis, a Greek god, but it is important that you and your husband don’t let yourselves go when you are in a happy marriage. It shows that you value yourself enough to be healthy and happy, and that’s something a healthy person (aka a healthy husband) will see value in.
But when he lets himself go (stops grooming and in general, looking after himself), he doesn’t care what you think of him and he doesn’t think he needs to impress you anymore. He “has you” so why worry about what he looks like or what you think? He is clearly taking you for granted, thinking you can’t do better than him and you won’t ever leave him.
15. Work Is More Important Than You
Another sign your husband doesn’t value you is when he’s become a workaholic. He is crazy busy at work, takes extra shifts, and signs up for every extra project and overtime.
Your husband uses work as a constant excuse for everything, and he buries himself in replying to mails when you have dinner and takes work calls when you’re supposed to be enjoying your dad’s birthday party.
There’s no time to go away for a weekend, much less go on vacation. It’s like you live with a stranger. He’s someone who shares your bed but he’s barely home, showing you that he doesn’t value you.
16. Your Husband Only Reaches Out When He Wants or Needs Something
Your husband never reaches out just because and it’s soon that you notice a pattern when he does make contact. Or should I say why he does.
You’ve realized that your husband only calls you, messages you, or comes to talk to you when he wants something. When he does seek affection or displays loving gestures, it’s only because he’s manipulating you to “do his bidding.” You feel like your husband is using you, not valuing you.
17. Your Husband Doesn’t Communicate With You
So the other part of not being valued when your husband only makes contact to use you is when he’s not even doing that. He doesn’t communicate with you—at all. He gives you the silent treatment or the cold shoulder, like an upset child. You can clearly see that he doesn’t want to talk to you—not even to say “hi” or make small talk.
You feel like you’ve done something wrong and he’s mad at you but he doesn’t talk to you to say that you didn’t do anything wrong and there’s no effort to connect or kiss and make up. You feel lonely and unvalued.
18. Your Husband Demeans or Belittles You
Your husband may also belittle you, indicating that he doesn’t cherish you. Whether you are at home together or out in public, he’s rude to you, cracks jokes at your expense, and makes demeaning comments.
You feel like you don’t matter to him, and you start walking on eggshells whenever he is around. Worse even, you blame yourself for your husband’s behavior (which is on him, not you).
19. Your Husband Is Unreliable
Does your husband show up late to family events? Does he say that he’ll get milk and bread on the way home, only to conveniently forget (again)?
A husband who doesn’t appreciate you will constantly disappoint you with his unreliableness. He doesn’t have integrity and he doesn’t keep his promises to you.
He’s actually so predictable in his unreliableness and undependability that you just know he’ll screw up and disappoint you.
20. Your Husband Takes, Takes, and Takes Some More
A marriage should be a partnership where you and your husband are equals. But when you aren’t valued in your relationship with your husband, he doesn’t do anything for you.
He takes, takes, and takes some more, and you just need to keep on giving, even when you have nothing left.
Your relationship is one-sided, and your husband only cares about himself.
21. Your Husband Doesn’t Honor Your Boundaries
It’s essential to have boundaries in any relationship, and even more so when you share space with another person like your husband. Your boundaries create a safe bubble around you, letting you and others know what you feel comfortable with and protecting your mental health.
But the problem with a husband who doesn’t value you is that he doesn’t respect your boundaries, and even if you say no, he just bulldozes over that and does what he wants. He doesn’t believe there will be consequences for not respecting your boundaries, and he simply doesn’t even care if there are.
What to Do When Your Husband Doesn’t Value You
It isn’t easy when you are in a marriage where your husband doesn’t value you. You may blame yourself, wondering what you did wrong or why you aren’t good enough. You are probably the person in the relationship who gives, gives, and gives and does, does, does.
Here are 10 best tips to help you get through this difficult time so you can decide what’s next:
Final Thoughts on the Signs Your Husband Doesn’t Value You
No one wants to feel unappreciated, and this becomes even more difficult when it’s your husband doing the devaluing and taking for granted. You aren’t his slave or just any person in his life—you are his wife, a person he should love, adore, and value.
Valuing someone is one of the cornerstones of a healthy, happy, and successful relationship, and a lack of appreciation could easily spell doom—if you don’t address it. Knowing all the signs that your husband doesn’t value you makes it easier to know for sure that you are being taken for granted.
If you are in an unhealthy relationship where your husband doesn’t value you or abuses you, here are 15 safe steps to help you get out. But if you decide to stay, you probably feel like your trust is broken from your partner not appreciating you. So here’s a guide to help you get over trust issues in your relationship.
And if you're looking for more articles about marriage, be sure to check out these blog posts:
- Couples Therapy VS Marriage Counseling: Pros & Cons
- 87 Affirmations for Marriage to Improve Your Loving Relationship
- My Wife Yells at Me: 8 Steps to Make Her Stop