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So you’ve either caught or suspect that your husband is looking at other women online. Now, before you go off the rails airing your dirty laundry on social media or crying to your gal pals at lunch… breathe.
First of all, if it’s the latter and you suspect he’s looking, ask yourself why? Is there evidence to support this theory?I mean, real evidence. Or are you listening to one-to-many podcasts bashing cheating spouses?
If you truly have good reason to believe this, as in he wasn’t bright enough to browse “in cognito”, then keep reading.
If it’s just a hunch then, listen to your intuition… but keep it in check until there’s more to go on. After all, why stir the ol’ marriage pot for no good reason?
We need to pick our battles, ladies.
That said, if you’ve actually caught him red handed… then it will warrant a conversation, or confrontation, depending on what he’s looking at and how often.
There are so many things to consider when your mind is reeling as to why my husband looks at other females online.
Today, we’re going to help you navigate the tricky waters of identifying the root cause of his wandering eye by pinpointing the most common reasons men look at other women.
We’ll also help you to determine whether or not it’s a simple case of “boys will be boys” vs. a warning sign of infidelity, or worse.
Finally, we will come up with a step by step plan on how to approach the situation.
Not All Browsing is Created Equal
Before you threaten your husband with having to wear a Scarlet Letter A on his lapel, let’s take a look at the different types of browsing. Believe it or not, some are fairly harmless, such as:
- An online clothing catalog
- Hollywood news and gossip
- Female athletes
- Politicians
There may be more, but you get the gist. Say it with me… “if the women are fully clothed and doing nothing provocative, it’s likely not anything to worry about”.
Perhaps they are looking at styles they’d like to see you wear on those clothing models? Or they are just a sucker for star-studded drama and too ashamed to admit it?
Female athletes and politicians could simply indicate a sign of respect, which is great if you have daughters because you’re married to a guy that believes they can do anything.
Or, dare I say it, they simply have a school boy crush… which you’d be hard-pressed to deny having such fleeting fantasies yourself. You’ve heard of the pot calling the kettle black, right? Don’t be that wife.
Eye-brow Raising Browsing
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, you need to be aware of the types of browsing that may raise red flags as to why my husband looks at other females online. These include:
- Scantily clad or provocative women
- Much younger women
- Nude women
- Pornography
This activity is not to be taken lightly for a number of reasons… and you have every right to be miffed. That said, you still need to breathe and formulate a plan that is productive.
More on that later.
The Most Likely Reasons Why He’s Looking at Other Females Online
Now, it’s time to cover our bases with the most likely and common reasons he’s turned to looking at other women online. Remember, not all subject matter is created equal and no two marriages are the same.
Curiosity
They say curiosity killed the cat… but it doesn’t have to kill your marriage. As humans, we are born with a curious nature.
If you see a couple fighting in public, do you not stare? Have you ever been in traffic because cars were rubbernecking in the other lane to get a glimpse of an accident being cleared?
This is an example of curiosity getting the best of us. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. So why should your husband’s curiosity about other women be any different?
After all, you’re married… not dead. It’s ok to find other people attractive as long as you don’t act on it. I mean, who just likes one type of chocolate?
Variety is the spice of life and can keep things interesting. At the end of the day… he chose you and continues to do so.
He’s Bored
They say that most of us are creatures of habit. That is why we have daily routines.
When those routines are disrupted it can cause chaos. Conversely, when those routines begin to feel monotonous, we can easily become bored or “stuck in a rut”, as they say.
Marriages are not impervious to this.
Admit it. You’ve woken up at least a dozen times and felt anxious or unexcited about the day ahead. It’s to be expected, especially when you’ve been married for quite some time. And if you have kids, you can multiply that number by at least 2. Trust me.
As much as I love my husband and kids, and the life we’ve made, there are days when I’d just love to escape for a hike alone or an overnight trip with my best friend.
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t flattered when strange men smile at me at the store or bagel shop because they find me attractive.
It makes me feel good when other men look at me… not because I want them or hate my life, but because it reminds me that I am still a catch and had a life once before this one.
It also reminds me to keep trying when it comes to keeping up my appearance. In doing so, my husband benefits when I come home wearing a new outfit or surprise him in bed with sexy lingerie once the kids are asleep.
If you’ve read any of my other articles, you may recall I’ve referenced my husband once referring to me as “his old brown shoe”.
Of course, I immediately took offense to this like any hormonally-charged woman would… but, once I listened to his explanation, I discovered it wasn’t the worst thing.
My husband is comfortable with me. He relies on me. And, like that old shoe, I’m his proverbial favorite thing to wear. He’s not trading me in.
Just because he feels the need for a little external validation doesn’t mean he’s not completely in love or committed to your marriage.
So hold the phone before calling him out on this!
Personal Insecurities
Newsflash! Sometimes husbands have doubts about themselves, just like we do. They may have gained some weight in the mid-section over the years, or are starting to notice some thinning hair or grays in the ol’ beard.
The difference is, while we aren’t shy to openly ask for their approval as to how we look, or turn to our friends for a little “love”… he likely won’t dare speak of his insecurities so freely for fear of it demasculinizing him.
You will never hear him ask you if his pants make his butt look big. And there is little to no chance he’ll be asking his buddies about a hair loss solution.
Men will typically opt to suffer in private and seek a confidence boost with an objective third party. If he’s looking at women to give himself that little lift he needs, so be it.
These women aren't a tangible part of his world, which means that his inflated ego will now redirect itself solely at you.
And the end result?
Use your imagination. #hubba hubba
He Feels Ignored
Life can be super hectic at times. The work/life balance is a tricky one, which few people have yet to master.
Ask yourself, when was the last time you planned a date night? Or just sat together quietly, enjoying the silence and gentle breathing of one another.
Do you ever hold hands? Indiscreetly touch his midsection or backside when passing him in the kitchen?
Though these gestures may seem rather insignificant, these things matter in a marriage. It’s important to let your partner know that you still find them attractive, no matter how much time has passed.
If you don’t show him a little love from time to time, your husband will retreat to his man cave of self-doubt and loathing and likely seek validation elsewhere… and the internet is the easiest place to find it.
Peer Pressure
I’ve had girlfriends tell me how men are pigs. I’m not sure if this started as an Animal Farm reference, or just a thing that someone once said and it stuck. Regardless, it is true of some men… but not all.
While there are men that enjoy what society would largely consider to be perverse images or videos, some men actually place their respect for the fairer sex above all that.
Still, it doesn’t mean their friends won’t occassionaly tempt them from time to time with a “viral” video or snap that they think your husband might enjoy. This is especially true of their still-single friends.
If prodded, men may take a gander at these things; but, it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s their cup of tea. They are simply school boys on the playground wanting to make their friends think they’re as cool as ever. Try not to take it personally.
You’re Having Problems
Today, statistics continue to show that nearly half of all marriages end in divorce; however, a recent Forbes article says that it isn’t simply black or white when it comes to these numbers.
While the figures still match up on paper, the piece contends that there are still far more people getting married over the course of each year than get divorced.
Yay!?!?
Here’s the blunt truth… marriage takes work. It always has and always will. It isn’t an old wives’ tale or something therapists make money telling you, it’s legit. And the quicker you accept that, the happier you’ll be.
Whatever you’re feeling, it won’t be resolved by keeping it to yourself or by your husband looking at other females online. An extra marital affair certainly won’t make things better, but rather complicate them.
If you got married, there was likely a good reason. Find that reason again. If you can’t do it on your own, you can talk to a therapist or trusted friend about it. The only reason to completely give up is if your partner is abusive, which is never ok.
He’s Got an Addiction
When it comes to deciphering why my husband looks at other females online… there is always one scenario women fear most. The one that forces you to ask the hard questions or, worse, come to a conclusion that you wish had a different ending.
Confronting the porn addiction.
Browsing as a couple is one thing. In fact, some will use it as foreplay to spice things up. When your husband is watching alone; however, it may be a different story.
Once in a while may be nothing to worry about, but it’s the tell-tale signs of addiction you need to be on the lookout for.
While it’s hard for people to admit they have an addiction to it, most will admit to having a “habit”. In fact, over 6 million American adults have admitted to harboring a porn habit… and the statistics notably don't include teenagers, a group increasingly likely to perceive themselves as porn addicts.
This is particularly problematic for teens who aren’t taught proper etiquette from a trusted grown-up for when it comes to sexual intimacy, misleading them to believe that the behavior they see in these online videos is healthy and typical in a committed relationship.
Generally speaking, it isn’t.
If your husband foregoes sex with you for porn, or starts to ask you to do things you aren’t comfortable doing in the bedroom, you need to confront this head on before it gets worse.
Tips for Addressing the Elephant in the Room
We’ve covered a lot of ground today. We touched upon the different types of browsing, as well as outlined some of the reasons why your husband may be looking at other females online.
Now it’s time to act… clear the air and set the record straight. You may use one or all of these steps, depending on your personal situation. Just use your judgment and read the room.
5 Steps for Approaching Your Husband
STEP 1: Assess what he’s looking at and what you think it means.
PRO TIP: Take a step back, breathe and make a list.
You need to take note of exactly what he’s doing online, and then assess why it bothers you so much.
This list should be as unbiased as possible. Make it about how you feel and what you perceive his behavior to mean, rather than about anger.
STEP 2: Talk about it without placing blame.
PRO TIP: Once you’re composed and ready to have a productive discussion with your spouse, be sure to start by saying, “I love you and our life together”. Continue to use “I” statements.
Then, be sure to avoid using the words, “always” and “never”. While these terms may seem harmless, they can rattle someone to the core when they feel their backs are to the wall.
These words can sound accusatory and will only stand in your way when you’re trying to resolve things in a civil manner.
STEP 3: Let him know how it makes you feel.
PRO TIP: Let your husband know that he may not be doing anything wrong, but that it makes you feel less attractive and insecure nonetheless.
Continue by saying that he’s your best friend and it feels strange when he leaves you out of the loop.
Assure him that there is no room for secrets in a marriage and that he can tell you anything.
STEP 4: Ask him if he’s happy or if there is something he feels is missing from your relationship.
PRO TIP: Approach him as if you’re just checking in. Ask about his day and how things are going in general. Take a real interest in what’s happening in his world.
Next, tell him that you want to make him happy and that you want your home to be a place of sanctuary and calm amidst the chaos of everyday life.
Let him know that you’re his biggest advocate and if there is anything you can do to make your relationship feel more rewarding, you’re open to it.
Assure him you’re in this for the long haul.
STEP 5: Give him an ultimatum (when nothing else works!).
PRO TIP: Don’t beat around the bush. Take his hand, look him in the eye, be firm and resolute.
You’ve tried everything else. You’re only human. So now it’s time to stand your ground by telling him that your patience has worn thin and he must choose between a marriage with you or his online hobby.
If he truly cares (and isn’t a porn addict or narcissist), he will agree to stop or else seek help if he needs it. That, or come to some sort of middle-ground where you are a part of his indulgences.
It won’t be easy, but you deserve to be validated and treated with respect. Don’t forget that.
Final Thoughts on Why My Husband Looks at Other Females Online
Truth be told, men are wired differently than women, both literally and figuratively. They also tend to think about sex differently, as far as the physical versus emotional connection.
But when it comes to figuring out the reasons why your husband looks at other females online, it still feels like a mystery to many women. And the longer you are married, the worse it can feel as your body changes and your insecurities soar.
Who knows why exactly men feel the need to let their eyes wander? Perhaps it's in their DNA.
Some theories suggest it comes from jealousy over their inability to carry and bear children… and the competition they face for their child’s affection.
Maybe it’s their innate sense of obligation to provide, protect and care for others.
Or, it could just be that their penis really does have a mind of its own. C’mon, you were thinking that too.
Whatever excuse your husband uses for looking at other women online, keep in mind that it is completely justified in his mind and that he likely feels as if he’s doing nothing wrong. Truthfully, maybe he isn’t.
Still, if it bothers you it should matter to him. You’re the woman he’s pledged his life to and he should want to make you happy. Marriages are reciprocal and until you can stand on common ground, things will continue to be shaky.
Be sure to check out our article discussing the differences between conditional and unconditional love for some more insight into how to approach delicate situations.
And if you want more resources on building healthy relationships or recovering from a bad one, check out these blog posts:
- 11 Example Letters to a Husband Who Hurt You
- 6 Steps to Stop Worrying About Your Relationship
- 20 Ways to Get Over Someone You Love & Move On
- Gaslighting Husband: 10 Signs & How to Respond to Him
- 65 Words of Encouragement to Your Husband to Support Him
