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Women outnumber men in all but 10 states in the US. Not only are you competing to find a man, but also one of good caliber. I don't mean to sound like a party pooper, but I know you know from experience that a good man is hard to find. You'll probably encounter a lot of toxic guys before meeting a high-quality man.
Finding a man who exhibits the traits you're looking for in a partner is like hitting the relationship jackpot. You'll enjoy a type of healthy and supportive romantic relationship or marriage that promotes happiness and well-being.
Today, I'm going to discuss having dating standards and prepare you to recognize 21 qualities of a good man when he crosses your path.
Can Men Be Taught Good Qualities?
Yes and no. According to scientists, an individual's core personality is set by the time they reach first grade. Their adult behaviors can be predicted relatively accurately at this stage of development. However, humans have the capacity to reshape their thinking and develop new habits, even though it's not that easy.
While it's possible for men to improve themselves, they have to have a certain level of emotional maturity and self-awareness as well as a desire to change.
Should You Try to Fix a Man?
Women are nurturers by nature and have a tendency to try and fix their significant other. Your boyfriend might rebel, become resentful, or reject you for trying to make him change. You'll feel hurt and try even harder, but he'll relentlessly resist. This may lead to lowered self-esteem, codependency, and resentment on your part.
Even if your man tries, he'll quickly relapse into his old behavioral patterns. Behavioral changes take time and cognitive work such as mindfulness, positive affirmations, and cognitive therapy.
Ask yourself if you're looking for a man who got it together or one you have to teach to be a man. According to Bolde, he’s a grown man. You can’t fix him and you shouldn’t have to. You'll only stress yourself out trying to change him.
As a woman of standards and self-respect, you know it's not your job to groom a man. If he needs fixing, he needs to do it on his own or with the help of a behavioral therapist.
You're better off with someone who exhibits the qualities of a good man, someone who's by nature a good partner, father, and friend.
Instead of having to teach him how to treat you, you can focus on helping him to become a better version of himself. Both of you and the relationship will benefit as a whole.
The Importance of Dating with High Standards
High-quality women have high standards and choose partners wisely. In dating, standards refer to having a list of things or ideal traits in a potential partner that you're not willing to compromise on.
Call them your non-negotiables. I'm referring to qualities that have nothing to do with his looks, career, financial status, or social connections. It's all about his behavior, values, and belief system.
Your dating-with-standards list can range from refusing to settle for a guy who is emotionally unavailable to one who is avoidant. These are big red flags you shouldn't ignore as he will be unable to meet your emotional needs in a relationship.
A guy with an avoidant personality struggles to communicate his needs and shies away from problem-solving. Instead, he will shut down, withdraw, or stonewall, leaving you unheard, frustrated, or feeling undeserving of his love and attention.
Using your personal dating standards as a guide will help you find someone with the qualities of a good man and who is husband material. Creating boundaries also helps you to establish a healthy, supportive relationship instead of one filled with drama.
21 Qualities of a Good Man You Should Look for
Physical attraction and chemistry may help a guy get one foot in the door when he's dealing with you, a woman who knows she deserves the best guy out there. However, he still needs to prove he's worthy of your time, attention, love, and your…everything.
You're more interested in the man within. Of course, you're not expecting him to be perfect, but he should at least demonstrate the following qualities of a good man.
1. Emotionally Available
You're looking for someone who will provide you with a steady stream of love and affection. If he goes back and forth from hot to cold, that's a sign of emotional unavailability. What you will get is a little love and attention for a few days before he pushes you away.
Emotional availability means your partner is comfortable talking about his personal life, family, childhood, and past romantic relationships. He won't seem closed off, avoid conversations about commitment, or display other signs of emotional unavailability.
There was a guy who tried to engage me in a push-pull, let-us-see-where-this-goes relationship. I called him out on his BS and assured him that I knew I deserved better. Looking back, he had zero of these 21 qualities of a good man.
Many men are of the view that showing feelings or vulnerability is a sign of weakness, but it's mostly about protecting their ego. A man of essence is capable of putting his ego aside. You'll recognize he's comfortable having conversations about his thoughts, feelings, weaknesses, and mistakes.
I once met a guy who claimed he wanted to settle down but had difficulties opening up and letting me see who he was at the core. It appeared as if he was hiding things from me and I hated how suspicious and anxious that made me feel.
He was 40 years old, claimed he was never in love, and wanted to experience it. You should see how he clammed up whenever I mentioned the word “love.”
Following that experience, I run as far away as I can from guys who struggle to open up. Don't waste your time trying to break down the emotional walls of a man who's incapable of loving you.
Another one of the qualities of a good man is leaning towards commitment. He's not the type to string you along. In fact, he'll show and tell you earlier on in the dating phase that he's interested in exclusivity and a future with you.
Don't worry, it's easy to spot a commitment-phobic. He doesn't like to make plans ahead of time, cancels at the last minute, and has a track record of short-term relationships. You'll soon start to feel like you're at the bottom of his priority list. Things won't change much unless he wants to work on being a better boyfriend.
Disrespect in any form doesn't spell well for a healthy relationship. Once it starts, it tends to get worse with time. A high-quality man respects himself and others. Respect is shown in many ways.
For example, valuing your opinions even if he disagrees and allowing you to maintain a life outside of the relationship.
A respectful guy will treat you, everyone connected to you, and even strangers well. He's not going to call you out your name, ever, even when he's angry.
On the other hand, a toxic, immature guy will resort to calling you a “bitch” and other defamatory names. Women with low dating standards and low self-worth are the ones who usually put up with that type of guy.
As a high-quality woman, you'd kick him to the curb the moment he thinks of disrespecting you.
5. Kind and Loving
He's a keeper if he is kind by nature and wired for love. Kindness and authentic love usually go together and are non-negotiable qualities of a good man. Ensure you do a kindness and compassion test on him. By that, I mean observing how he treats everyone else.
Does he talk down to people he thinks are inferior to him, e.g, the wait staff at restaurants? He's a wolf in sheep's clothing if he shows you a nice face, but is mean to others, including kids, or cruel to animals.
6. Emotionally Intelligent
It's a game-changer when you find a man who can put himself in your shoes and understand how you feel. It's called empathy and is a big sign of emotional intelligence (EQ). It's easier for a man to mistreat you if he cannot see or is unwilling to acknowledge how his behaviors affect you.
You'll know the guy you have your eyes on is emotionally intelligent if he is kind and supportive when you're in distress. He has the ability to perceive, understand, use, and manage negative emotions in positive ways.
Even though he's authentic and straightforward, he's mindful of his words, so as not to offend or hurt you. Other signs of EQ include being honest, humble, forgiving, and able to self-reflect and apologize.
7. Good Communicator
Couples complain all the time that a lack of communication is chipping away at their relationship. There's going to be a lot of passive-aggressive behaviors like pouting and refusal to speak if you're dating someone with an avoidant attachment style or narcissistic traits.
Thank your lucky stars if you're seeing a guy who actively listens to you, makes eye contact, doesn't interrupt, and doesn't dismiss your opinions. As a good communicator, he will respond after choosing the right words and provide validation. His attentiveness is a sign that he's connected and values you, your thoughts, as well as your feelings.
You struck gold if you found a trustworthy guy. Trustworthiness is at the top of my list of qualities of a good man, particularly because it encompasses so many traits that speak to a man's honesty and overall moral integrity.
Characteristics of a trustworthy man include being consistent, reliable, dependable, willing to compromise, and respectful of boundaries. The need to have a man with these standards becomes greater if you're bringing kids into the relationship. You must be fully confident that he will respect and treat them well.
9. Secure-attachment Style
According to John Bowlby's Attachment Theory, individuals with a secure attachment style make better romantic partners. Compared to the anxious and avoidant styles, a secure man won't overbear you with his feelings or push you away. He's emotionally and mentally balanced, well-grounded, and has healthy self-esteem and self-confidence.
He is honest, trusting, trustworthy, and comfortable showing his vulnerable side. This guy is calm and self-assured. Being with him feels like “home.” You won't have to chase after him because he's not the one to play mind games. Instead, he'll state his romantic intentions upfront, treat you like a priority, and make you feel safe, secure, and protected.
Sounds too good to be true, right? Well, you're in luck. Over 50% of the population is secure attachment types. I've had the good fortune of marrying a secure man. They're not perfect but come with a long list of amazing qualities that overshadow their shortcomings.
If you find a guy like this, cherish him. Secure attachment style men feel the most committed to their romantic relationships and usually don't remain on the market for long.
Toxic men shirk their responsibilities and are unwilling to own up to their problematic behaviors. Not only are they emotionally immature, but they also shift blame and play the victim even when they're the ones causing the chaos.
A good man is confident in himself and will acknowledge his mistakes, instead of lying, denying, defending, or blaming you. People with narcissistic tendencies are known for pathological lying and blame-shifting to avoid accountability. They use gas lighting tactics to abuse you emotionally and make you question your own reality.
Narcissist or not, it's impossible to enjoy a healthy, loving, respecting, and supportive relationship with anyone who is unable to man up.
11. Emotionally Stable
You can enjoy a loving, happy, and healthy relationship with a man who has stable emotions and is able to self-regulate when things go wrong. As women, we need to be 100% honest with ourselves and stop giving men an easy pass because they're cute or financially stable. What about emotional stability or anger problems?
Emotional instability is an instant deal breaker for me, along with lies, game-playing, and disrespect. Unstable emotions are usually a sign of mental illness, such as mood disorder, borderline personality disorder (BPD), or bipolar disorder. Beware!
You're signing up for a rollercoaster relationship if you choose a guy who “looks good on paper” but cannot control his anger or self-regulate negative emotions. And, please, don't try to become his therapist, savior, or fixer.
Stand in your truth knowing you're deserving of love and a happy relationship or marriage. Show empathy and compassion for his struggles, but don't feel guilty if you have to quit him. You'll probably save yourself from physical or emotional abuse if you leave before the guy starts lashing out or becomes unhinged.
A faithful man is a man whose loyalty doesn't waver toward you. In the good or the bad, a good man makes choices with your best interest in mind. He considers how his decisions affect you and how others will view you because of his choices.
For example, Aaron works in an office with many single men and women. His co-workers know he has a loving and caring wife at home to whom he is devoted and faithful. Everyone who knows him well is very aware of it.
One morning, after a disagreement with his wife, Aaron went to work, and his co-workers noticed he didn't seem like himself.
One of the single ladies in the office (who was attracted to Aaron) tried to get him to open up about the issue that was bothering him, even offering to hug him and treat him to lunch.
Knowing how it would look to others, Aaron declined to talk about the issue and turned down the offer for lunch, especially if others from the office didn't join them.
He not only wanted to avoid putting himself in a situation that tempted him to be unfaithful, but because of his loyalty toward his wife, he sought to avoid the appearance of unfaithfulness.
A good man is a dependable man that you can rely on to do what he says when he says he will do it. No one wants to make a date with a guy who doesn't show up because he forgot or simply didn't make you a priority.
For instance, Dana really liked Jeffrey, and they both tried dating for a while. But he lacked dependability, and that was a red flag to her. They would schedule dates, and she would eagerly show up.
Still, he either wouldn't show, or he didn't prioritize the date and later talked about rescheduling. His behavior could have opened the door for Dana to feel insecure had she not been strong enough to walk away.
14. Sense of humor
A good man is not just a man who makes you laugh but finds great joy in making you smile when you don't feel like it. For example, he is witty enough to put on music and sing with a hideous voice just to improve your mood.
A good sense of humor can brighten a dark day and diffuse tension in a room, like a fresh breeze on a hot summer day. Being around a man who doesn’t take life too seriously all the time is refreshing.
For instance, Derrick and Megan have been dating for over 6 months. They just moved in together a few weeks ago. The two of them work stressful jobs, often bringing the stress and tension home.
However, Derrick, devoted to making the home a safe space and peaceful environment, uses his humor to make Megan laugh and relieve much of her stress from the day. After good laughs, the two talk about their day calmly and reasonably.
Derrick's humor has helped Megan navigate difficult family moments and personal crises. As a result, not only has she begun to lean on him, but they rely on each other for advice and comfort after a rough day. This allows them to move past the stress to enjoy being home and away from the chaos of the outside world.
Like being kind and loving, a good man tends to be very romantic. He consistently thinks of ways to express himself in a relationship that shows the magnitude of his affection for his partner.
When we hear the word romantic, we often think of physical intimacy, but it goes way beyond that. Instead, it's loving, serving, and offering kind gestures that outwardly express what is felt on the inside.
For instance, Kal had deep feelings for his girlfriend, Taylor. So, each week he made it his priority to do things, aside from going on a date, to let Taylor know she was special to him.
So, Kal had flowers sent to her office at work, left sweet notes around her house when he visited, and cleaned ice and snow from her car and driveway in inclement weather. He did those things because her well-being was important to him, and he wanted her to know it.
A good man is a generous and giving one. He always thinks of blessing others, and in many circumstances, he makes others' needs a priority. For example, Eric is a single guy who makes a good living as a carpenter.
He is known as a charitable man in the community. Not only does he give of his money, but he also volunteers much of his time helping the elderly in his city with small projects around their houses. If he didn't do it, there is no way they could afford to pay someone.
A generous man believes in leaving people better than he found them.
17. Cooks and Cleans
A man can be good and not good at cooking or cleaning. Still, according to psychology, women find that trait in a man irresistible. Still, if he prioritizes cleanliness and is a good cook, you’ve got a good man on your hands.
In relationships, we see where one partner (usually the wife) prioritizes cooking, cleaning, and overall home organization.
But a man willing to cook and clean usually understands the value of partnership to make things go smoothly in the home. He recognizes that it shouldn't fall on one person's shoulders in the relationship.
Confident men aren’t trying to be something they are not. Instead, they are comfortable in their own skin and are less likely to be fickle. When most of you think of a confident man, you may think of a guy who is overconfident and abrasive.
But a good man can keep that in balance. He knows who he is and lives life from that perspective. This means you won't get down the road and discover unsavory things he was afraid to discuss with you because he “didn't want to lose you.”
Moreover, a confident man believes that his mistakes and shortcoming made him into the strong and bold man he is today.
19. Moral Integrity (as a Standard of Faith)
Good men have a moral standard they seek to uphold, no matter the circumstances. You also know a man is good when he will carefully uphold the standards of his faith and treat you, his family, and others well.
His dedication to God (who is loving, forgiving, and compassionate) should reflect how he treats others and views life as a whole. Lastly, as a result, he is always looking to grow in integrity and be a better version of himself every day.
20. Goal Oriented
A good man sets goals. It shows that he is willing to improve upon himself and the situations surrounding his life. It also demonstrates that he doesn’t take life lying down and accepts every situation that befalls him or his family. He sees better (in his mind) and plans to bring it to pass.
So, a goal-oriented man is a man who is “going places in life” because he has vision. And a man with vision later becomes a man who is accomplished. And an accomplished man is certainly one you will be proud of.
Good men are humble. They aren’t pushovers, but they understand their limitations and don’t mind giving credit where credit is due. Additionally, a good man will step back to let others shine while playing to their strengths.
Furthermore, he is not self-absorbed because it doesn't matter who gets the credit as long as everyone wins. For instance, Chris' wife received a promotion on her job and now makes more money than him. Naturally, his close friends found out and teased him about it.
However, Chris expressed to them how proud he was of her and that she worked hard to get where she is. Furthermore, he has no issues with her bringing home the bigger salary if their goals as a couple and family are accomplished.
Final Thoughts on Qualities of a Good Man
Connecting with a fine gentleman is easier when you know exactly what it is you're looking for. You're able to see through the BS almost immediately and quickly filter out men who are into game playing.
Don't bother trying to love a guy into emotional submission, mold him to suit your taste, compromise your standards or settle.
You deserve someone who is physically, mentally, and emotionally ready to pursue a healthy relationship and marriage. Continue to keep your standards high by repeating 70 Affirmations for Self-Worth and Love Yourself More.
Finally, if you want to identify YOUR personality type, then take one of these 11 personality tests to better understand what makes you tick.