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Women outnumber men in all but 10 states in the US. Not only are you competing to find a man, but also one of good caliber. I don't mean to sound like a party pooper, but I know you know from experience that a good man is hard to find. You'll probably encounter a lot of toxic guys before meeting a high-quality man.
Finding a man who exhibits the traits you're looking for in a partner is like hitting the relationship jackpot. You'll enjoy a type of healthy and supportive romantic relationship or marriage that promotes happiness and well-being.
Today, I'm going to discuss having dating standards and prepare you to recognize 11 qualities of a good man when he crosses your path.
What You Will Learn
- Can Men be Taught Good Qualities?
- Should You Try to Fix a Man?
- The Importance of Dating with High Standards
- 11 Qualities of a Good Man You Should Look for
- Final Thoughts on Qualities of a Good Man You Should Look for
Can Men be Taught Good Qualities?
Yes and no. According to scientists, an individual's core personality is set by the time they reach first grade. Their adult behaviors can be predicted relatively accurately at this stage of development. However, humans have the capacity to reshape their thinking and develop new habits, even though it's not that easy. While it's possible for men to improve themselves, they have to have a certain level of emotional maturity and self-awareness as well as a desire to change.
Should You Try to Fix a Man?
Women are nurturers by nature and have a tendency to try and fix their significant other. Your boyfriend might rebel, become resentful, or reject you for trying to make him change. You'll feel hurt and try even harder, but he'll relentlessly resist. This may lead to lowered self-esteem, codependency, and resentment on your part.
Even if your man tries, he'll quickly relapse into his old behavioral patterns. Behavioral changes take time and cognitive work such as mindfulness, positive affirmations, and cognitive therapy.
Ask yourself if you're looking for a man who got it together or one you have to teach to be a man. According to Bolde, he’s a grown man. You can’t fix him and you shouldn’t have to. You'll only stress yourself out trying to change him. As a woman of standards and self-respect, you know it's not your job to groom a man. If he needs fixing, he needs to do it on his own or with the help of a behavioral therapist.
You're better off with someone who exhibits the qualities of a good man, someone who's by nature a good partner, father, and friend. Instead of having to teach him how to treat you, you can focus on helping him to become a better version of himself. Both of you and the relationship will benefit as a whole.
The Importance of Dating with High Standards
High-quality women have high standards and choose partners wisely. In dating, standards refer to having a list of things or ideal traits in a potential partner that you're not willing to compromise on. Call them your non-negotiables. I'm referring to qualities that have nothing to do with his looks, career, financial status, or social connections. It's all about his behavior, values, and belief system.
Your dating-with-standards list can range from refusing to settle for a guy who is emotionally unavailable to one who is avoidant. These are big red flags you shouldn't ignore as he will be unable to meet your emotional needs in a relationship. A guy with an avoidant personality struggles to communicate his needs and shies away from problem-solving. Instead, he will shut down, withdraw, or stonewall, leaving you unheard, frustrated, or feeling undeserving of his love and attention.
Using your personal dating standards as a guide will help you find someone with the qualities of a good man and who is husband material. Creating boundaries also helps you to establish a healthy, supportive relationship instead of one filled with drama.
11 Qualities of a Good Man You Should Look for
Physical attraction and chemistry may help a guy get one foot in the door when he's dealing with you, a woman who knows she deserves the best guy out there. However, he still needs to prove he's worthy of your time, attention, love, and your…everything. You're more interested in the man within. Of course, you're not expecting him to be perfect, but he should at least demonstrate the following qualities of a good man.
1. Emotionally available
You're looking for someone who will provide you with a steady stream of love and affection. If he goes back and forth from hot to cold, that's a sign of emotional unavailability. What you will get is a little love and attention for a few days before he pushes you away.
Emotional availability means your partner is comfortable talking about his personal life, family, childhood, and past romantic relationships. He won't seem closed off, avoid conversations about commitment, or display other signs of emotional unavailability.
There was a guy who tried to engage me in a push-pull, let-us-see-where-this-goes relationship. I called him out on his BS and assured him that I knew I deserved better. Looking back, he had zero of these 11 qualities of a good man.
Many men are of the view that showing feelings or vulnerability is a sign of weakness, but it's mostly about protecting their ego. A man of essence is capable of putting his ego aside. You'll recognize he's comfortable having conversations about his thoughts, feelings, weaknesses, and mistakes.
I once met a guy who claimed he wanted to settle down but had difficulties opening up and letting me see who he was at the core. It appeared as if he was hiding things from me and I hated how suspicious and anxious that made me feel. He was 40 years old, claimed he was never in love, and wanted to experience it. You should see how he clammed up whenever I mentioned the word “love.”
Following that experience, I run as far away as I can from guys who struggle to open up. Don't waste your time trying to break down the emotional walls of a man who's incapable of loving you.
Another one of the qualities of a good man is leaning towards commitment. He's not the type to string you along. In fact, he'll show and tell you earlier on in the dating phase that he's interested in exclusivity and a future with you.
Don't worry, it's easy to spot a commitment-phobic. He doesn't like to make plans ahead of time, cancels at the last minute, and has a track record of short-term relationships. You'll soon start to feel like you're at the bottom of his priority list. Things won't change much unless he wants to work on being a better boyfriend.
Disrespect in any form doesn't spell well for a healthy relationship. Once it starts, it tends to get worse with time. A high-quality man respects himself and others. Respect is shown in many ways. For example, valuing your opinions even if he disagrees and allowing you to maintain a life outside of the relationship.
A respectful guy will treat you, everyone connected to you, and even strangers well. He's not going to call you out your name, ever, even when he's angry.
On the other hand, a toxic, immature guy will resort to calling you a “bitch” and other defamatory names. Women with low dating standards and low self-worth are the ones who usually put up with that type of guy. As a high-quality woman, you'd kick him to the curb the moment he thinks of disrespecting you.
5. Kind and loving
He's a keeper if he is kind by nature and wired for love. Kindness and authentic love usually go together and are non-negotiable qualities of a good man. Ensure you do a kindness and compassion test on him. By that, I mean observing how he treats everyone else.
Does he talk down to people he thinks are inferior to him, e.g, the wait staff at restaurants? He's a wolf in sheep's clothing if he shows you a nice face, but is mean to others, including kids, or cruel to animals.
6. Emotionally intelligent
It's a game-changer when you find a man who can put himself in your shoes and understand how you feel. It's called empathy and is a big sign of emotional intelligence (EQ). It's easier for a man to mistreat you if he cannot see or is unwilling to acknowledge how his behaviors affect you.
You'll know the guy you have your eyes on is emotionally intelligent if he is kind and supportive when you're in distress. He has the ability to perceive, understand, use, and manage negative emotions in positive ways.
Even though he's authentic and straightforward, he's mindful of his words, so as not to offend or hurt you. Other signs of EQ include being honest, humble, forgiving, and able to self-reflect and apologize.
7. Good communicator
Couples complain all the time that a lack of communication is chipping away at their relationship. There's going to be a lot of passive-aggressive behaviors like pouting and refusal to speak if you're dating someone with an avoidant attachment style or narcissistic traits.
Thank your lucky stars if you're seeing a guy who actively listens to you, makes eye contact, doesn't interrupt, and doesn't dismiss your opinions. As a good communicator, he will respond after choosing the right words and provide validation. His attentiveness is a sign that he's connected and values you, your thoughts, as well as your feelings.
You struck gold if you found a trustworthy guy. Trustworthiness is at the top of my list of qualities of a good man, particularly because it encompasses so many traits that speak to a man's honesty and overall moral integrity.
Characteristics of a trustworthy man include being consistent, reliable, dependable, willing to compromise, and respectful of boundaries. The need to have a man with these standards becomes greater if you're bringing kids into the relationship. You must be fully confident that he will respect and treat them well.
9. Secure-attachment style
According to John Bowlby's Attachment Theory, individuals with a secure attachment style make better romantic partners. Compared to the anxious and avoidant styles, a secure man won't overbear you with his feelings or push you away. He's emotionally and mentally balanced, well-grounded, and has healthy self-esteem and self-confidence.
He is honest, trusting, trustworthy, and comfortable showing his vulnerable side. This guy is calm and self-assured. Being with him feels like “home.” You won't have to chase after him because he's not the one to play mind games. Instead, he'll state his romantic intentions upfront, treat you like a priority, and make you feel safe, secure, and protected.
Sounds too good to be true, right? Well, you're in luck. Over 50% of the population is secure attachment types. I've had the good fortune of marrying a secure man. They're not perfect but come with a long list of amazing qualities that overshadow their shortcomings. If you find a guy like this, cherish him. Secure attachment style men feel the most committed to their romantic relationships and usually don't remain on the market for long.
Toxic men shirk their responsibilities and are unwilling to own up to their problematic behaviors. Not only are they emotionally immature, but they also shift blame and play the victim even when they're the ones causing the chaos.
A good man is confident in himself and will acknowledge his mistakes, instead of lying, denying, defending, or blaming you. People with narcissistic tendencies are known for pathological lying and blame-shifting to avoid accountability. They use gas lighting tactics to abuse you emotionally and make you question your own reality.
Narcissist or not, it's impossible to enjoy a healthy, loving, respecting, and supportive relationship with anyone who is unable to man up.
11. Emotionally stable
You can enjoy a loving, happy, and healthy relationship with a man who has stable emotions and is able to self-regulate when things go wrong. As women, we need to be 100% honest with ourselves and stop giving men an easy pass because they're cute or financially stable. What about emotional stability or anger problems?
Emotional instability is an instant deal breaker for me, along with lies, game-playing, and disrespect. Unstable emotions are usually a sign of mental illness, such as mood disorder, borderline personality disorder (BPD), or bipolar disorder. Beware! You're signing up for a rollercoaster relationship if you choose a guy who “looks good on paper” but cannot control his anger or self-regulate negative emotions. And, please, don't try to become his therapist, savior, or fixer.
Stand in your truth knowing you're deserving of love and a happy relationship or marriage. Show empathy and compassion for his struggles, but don't feel guilty if you have to quit him. You'll probably save yourself from physical or emotional abuse if you leave before the guy starts lashing out or becomes unhinged.
Final Thoughts on Qualities of a Good Man You Should Look for
Connecting with a fine gentleman is easier when you know exactly what it is you're looking for. You're able to see through the BS almost immediately and quickly filter out men who are into game playing. Don't bother trying to love a guy into emotional submission, mold him to suit your taste, compromise your standards or settle.
You deserve someone who is physically, mentally, and emotionally ready to pursue a healthy relationship and marriage. Continue to keep your standards high by repeating 70 Affirmations for Self-Worth and Love Yourself More.
Finally, if you want to identify YOUR personality type, then take one of these 11 personality tests to better understand what makes you tick.