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Let’s talk about sex.
Are you getting it, is your girlfriend sexually attracted to you, or are you being short-listed and don’t even know it? Sexual attraction is often what starts an intimate relationship, but it doesn’t always last.
Have you been missing the warning signs that your girlfriend isn’t sexually attracted to you?
Sexual attraction is considered to be important in relationships, but while we all know that older couples don’t necessarily engage in sex that often, younger couples are also falling out of “sex” lately.
Should you be worried if your girlfriend is suddenly relegating you to the friend or platonic side? And what can you do if the relationship means a lot to you, but you feel like you’re not getting enough undercover action?
Let’s find out.
What Is Sexual Attraction?
Sexual attraction is when you feel a rise in your sexual drive or the urge to reproduce and engage in sexual activity with someone whom you find attractive.
In primitive times, this would have been when the caveman was most attracted to the best cavewoman to have healthy offspring with.
Today, sexual attraction is a desire to physically or sexually be with someone, and there are several ways in which sexual attraction manifests in your life.
If you are not particularly attracted to someone and don’t feel a need to engage in sexual activities with them, you are likely asexual, and your quest for a partner is more driven by attraction to their personality and mental capabilities.
Sexual attraction is subdivided into three categories:
Subjective Sexual Attraction
When you are already in a relationship with someone, you fall for them and gradually develop feelings of sexual interest or arousal due to how well you know them and your experiences with them.
Objective Sexual Attraction
If you look at someone who is not necessarily in close proximity to you, such as a movie star, and feel sexually aroused by them, you are experiencing objective sexual attraction. In other words, you see that person as an object of sexual interest.
Lust can be experienced when your feelings suddenly flare for someone, but you are driven by sexual urges and a desire for intense sexual activity. This is usually when affection or proximity turn to sexual encounters due to raging hormones.
People have different types of sexual attractions, and there is no wrong or right. It’s about what works for you and your partner, whether you are asexual or pansexual and attracted toward multiple partners of different genders.
The Differences Between Sexual and Romantic Attraction
As you may know, feeling romantically attracted to someone isn’t necessarily the same as experiencing sexual attraction toward them. You can have sex without experiencing any romance, but romance is usually seen as leading to sex.
True romantic attraction exceeds basic sexual urges and focuses on the forming of relationships that are built on closeness, connection, care, mental affinity, and partnership.
While sex may be a part of this, it’s not the only goal of a relationship and being romantically attracted to someone.
So while you and your girlfriend may still have loads of romance happening, your sex-life may have fizzled out, and you are probably wondering why. There are different forms of romance, depending on the way your relationship forms.
Demiromantic is an example of a relationship where romance only forms after you and the person are already emotionally connected.
The Importance of Sexual AND Romantic Attraction in a Relationship
Society often creates the idea that sexual and romantic attractions are the ultimate goals of relationships, forgetting that partnership is what sustains relationships.
So while you may be worried that your girlfriend is no longer sexually attracted to you, there could be other forces at play and even if she isn’t sexually attracted to you, it may not be the end of your relationship.
Relationships are built on more than just sexual attraction. There is also love, trust, support, companionship, and loyalty.
Also keep in mind that only you can know your perception of a situation, and while you could firmly believe your girlfriend is about to dump you because you “don’t do it for her anymore,” she could be going through a real life challenge such as dealing with job stress, family issues, insecurities, pain, illness, and more.
Don’t rush to conclusions.
If you love her and want to make your relationship work (and if you’ve built a strong foundation), you can make it work – whether there’s mutual sexual attraction and romantic attraction, or just the latter.
Platonic relationships can go the distance – if that’s what works for you.
13 Warning Signs That Your Girlfriend Isn’t Sexually Attracted to You
So what are the signs that your girlfriend isn’t sexually turned on by you and doesn’t find you a source of her sexual arousal drive?
There are a few signs, and while you may instantly see one or more of these with your girlfriend, it’s important to see all things in context and search for answers, not jump to judgments or quick conclusions without talking with her.
1. She No Longer Flirts With You
Women flirt since it’s a form of exchanging interest and showing interest. Most women will flirt to some extent with people in her life, whether they are in a relationship with her or not.
It’s a natural drive, but when she no longer flirts with you, she is showing quite firmly that she’s not sexually attracted to you.
Some women are not comfortable with flirting as they may not have had positive experiences with flirting in the past, so she could be scared of flirting or not know how to “flirt in good faith.”
How to Fix Her Flirting: Help her flirt with you by making her feel comfortable. Create opportunities that let her relax and flirt.
Start the ball rolling by flirting with her in a friendly way that makes her feel good about herself. It takes two to flirt.
2. You Can’t Get Her Alone
It’s natural to want to get your girlfriend alone so you can step things up to flirting and acting out your sexual attraction with her partnership.
However, if she doesn’t want to be alone with you the signs are clear that she’s not interested in engaging in sexual activities with you.
The thing to note is that it doesn’t mean she never wants to have sex with you again. Instead, it could be a sign that she’s not comfortable in her own body, dealing with her own challenges, or feels that the relationship isn’t at the point of progressing to sexual activities.
It’s not necessarily a sign that she doesn’t think you’re hot and totally sex-able.
How to Fix Being Unable to Get Her Alone: Find out what she needs to feel comfortable and you will help ease her fears so she can freely feel her sexual attraction to you.
Don’t force her or accuse her of avoiding you. Instead, open the channels of communication, you may be surprised by what you learn.
3. Sex Is Over in a Flash
Initially, you and your girlfriend may have engaged in sex frequently and spent several hours a night building your sexual repertoire with no sign of wanting it to be over.
But now, you feel like she wants it over as soon as possible, and she may either lie there until it’s over or pretend to orgasm instantly so you’ll just finish.
When your sexual routines change and you sense her lack of sexual commitment (and enjoyment), you may have a serious sign that something is wrong.
But don’t jump to conclusions just because you and she are no longer finding sex satisfying.
Communication can help you understand what’s going on with her. Women aren’t always comfortable telling their boyfriends (or girlfriends) that they don’t want to have sex because it hurts or that something has changed to ruin their libido.
Only when you talk it through can you hope to find out how to engage in sex anew.
How to Get Her Interested in Sex: Let her lead you during your next sexual encounter. Find out what she likes to do, how you can ensure she’s more comfortable, and what turns her on.
Remember that our needs change, and you need to help her feel comfortable to admit to her changing sexual desires.
4. She’d Rather Fly Solo
Do you find that she’s more excited by a “maintenance” session with something that runs on batteries than by what’s in your pants?
Women may find sex with a real person to be unsatisfying, and they could even prefer some DIY sex with sex toys, which usually means you are no longer turning her on.
She may try to hide it, but the signs will be there. This is not necessarily a reflection on you or a judgment of your sexual prowess. Instead, she could be dealing with her own issues, which you can totally help her with (or just be there for her, which also means the world).
How to Fix Solo Preferences: Your first step is to find out what it is about having sex alone that she prefers. If she’s amenable, you can discuss her sexual preferences, but not all girlfriends will even want to admit to preferring their own sexual attention.
Open discussions and show your supportiveness so you can work out what works for both of you. Often, there’s a mental component that needs to be addressed so be patient and continue to hold space and show up for her.
5. Headaches and Other Excuses
Nobody likes it when their sexual partner is constantly making excuses to not engage in sex.
It could be that she no longer finds you sexually attractive or that her needs have changed, and being unable to articulate what she feels, she opts for an excuse each time you want to get your sexy on.
Consider whether her excuses are valid, if there is still some sex, or if you never have sex anymore. Then talk to her.
How to Fix Excuses for Not Having Sex: You can’t just come out and accuse her of making excuses to not have sex. If you’ve already been sexual partners, your girlfriend may have experienced a life change, and you need to be sensitive.
If you haven’t reached homebase yet, you may need to consider why she’s stalling. Again, opening discussions with her is your best way forward.
Make sure she knows you aren’t trying to force her to do what she’s not interested in doing, or possibly, not ready for. Assure her that you want what’s best for you both, and discuss what both of your sexual expectations are.
6. You’re the Captain of the Sex Ship
Is she letting you initiate all your sexy time together? In a real sexual relationship, both partners initiate sex, and it’s not up to you to steer the ship to port each time you want it (but she doesn’t seem to want it at all).
A sign that she’s not sexually attracted to you could be that she dodges all sexual advances you make, and she never tries to initiate sex.
How to Get Her to Initiate Sexy Time: Your girlfriend may not be confident enough to explore her sexual attraction by initiating sex, especially if you haven’t been sexual partners for long (or at all).
Some counseling may help, but you can also make it a fun activity to decide who gets to initiate sex. Consider making a “love jar” that contains ideas you both create for sexual fantasies, and this helps you choose who gets to initiate sex this time.
7. It’s Friend-Mance, Not Romance
You and your girlfriend are close, you are friends, and you love spending time together, but it’s more a case of being good friends or family than feeling sexually attracted to you.
Your girlfriend may have realized that she’s not actually interested in a sexual relationship with you as she doesn’t feel a sexual attraction.
There’s the case in PS: I Love You, where the one character finally kisses the girl, only to discover that it felt like kissing his sister.
A lack of sexual attraction will lead to no longer feeling interested in sex with someone you believed you were in a romantic relationship with.
How to Fix Friends vs Lovers: Consider whether you and your girlfriend are still lovers or have become friends. Remember that having friends is a great thing, as long as you both have clear expectations.
Friends with benefits can also work, but don’t have misconceptions about it being anything more than a situation of meeting each other’s needs, but not being in a romance.
8. She Flirts With Others, Not You
A girlfriend who no longer flirts with you, but she flirts excessively with other people, may be losing her interest in you.
She could no longer know what she wants or who, and her flirting with others can be a sign that she’s ready to jump ship and find a new partner.
The real question is whether you want to keep her or if you’re ready to let her go.
How to Fix the Flirting with Others Issue: If you are nuts about your girlfriend and still want her, you can try the jealousy game. No, don’t get jealous of her. Make her jealous.
Start flirting with other people when she’s around, letting her get a taste of that “I’m about to lose him” medicine.
If she’s been unsure and that’s what led to her flirting behavior, she’ll rush to hang on to you, but if she’s moved on, she won’t react to your flirting, and it’s time you move on.
9. Dates Get Shorter and Infrequent
While dating couples tend to find excuses to see each other, married couples or long-term couples may be less inclined to want to go on long dates.
It could be that life’s busy, which is why you and your girlfriend spend less time together, but when you don’t prioritize your time to hang out and be a couple, you are opening the door on other issues.
Perhaps she doesn’t want to go on long and frequent dates with you because her libido has dropped or yours has spiked, and she doesn’t want sex as often as you suddenly do. Her sexual attraction to you has waned, and you need to find ways to build it up.
How to Fix No Longer Spending Time Together: When you realize you are avoiding each other due to life’s hiccups, it’s vital to start acting proactively.
Schedule a weekly date night, plan monthly weekends away, and make time to remind each other why you are (or were) attracted to each other in the first place.
10. She Picks You Apart
Sudden criticism and walking into a negativity storm can make you feel like she’s no longer interested in you, and it can also affect your sex drive (“Princess Sophia” #HowToLoseAGuyIn10Days can only stand verbal abuse for so long).
If it’s a once-off event, you can perhaps write it up to her being tired and catty, but if it happens frequently, you need to consider that she’s no longer into you. She’s hyper critical because she doesn’t like what she sees in you.
How to Fix Judgmental Girlfriends: Consider whether there’s any change in your life and how you behave that can possibly warrant her judgments. No? Okay, have there been any changes in her life that can make her feel threatened?
Chances are that she’s feeling pressured and like she’s not good enough, which is why she nitpicks and has really begun to cut you down to size each time you even think of engaging in sexual activities with her.
11. She’s More Off than Last Week’s Lasagna
You may also pick up that she’s just off. Perhaps she’s not her usual cheerful self or she looks worried.
There are a million ways you can pick up that she’s not herself, and it’s easy to think that it’s your fault or that she’s no longer satisfied with you and that’s why she’s not “present” in the relationship.
Don’t jump to conclusions. Just because she stops mid-sex and looks vacant doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong.
You need to weigh up what’s going on in her life before you believe she’s just no longer interested in what you offer.
How to Fix an “Off” Girlfriend: Your girlfriend is your partner, and you should find out what could be causing her to disconnect.
It may also be your own issues that you project onto her. So practice self-awareness and communicate.
12. She’s Asleep Before You Get to Bed
If she is already in la-la land before you even get to bed, chances are that she’s avoiding you and advances for sexual intimacy.
Of course, it could be that your girlfriend is exhausted and overfaced with her busy life, so don’t assume that because she’s fast asleep before you it means she’s not interested in sexual intimacy.
How to Fix Mismatch Sleep Patterns: Break down convenient excuses by making plans together that you stick to.
Ensure you both talk about what amount of time you have together and how you can make the most of it.
13. You Can See It In Her Body Language
Body language makes up 55% of human communication, and if you can stop looking into her eyes and start looking at the signs her body is shouting, you may see she’s no longer interested in your sexual interest.
She’ll cross her arms and turn away from you. When you do touch, she pulls back.
Her lack of sexual attraction to you will present as being aloof or disinterested in her body language. She breaks eye contact, twitches when seated, and folds her hands across her lap.
How to Fix Broken Body Language: Read her body language and respond appropriately. When you see she’s about to pull back as you try to kiss her neck, kiss her hand instead.
Keep her attention focused on you, and use your own positive body language to rekindle her interest.
Final Thoughts on the Signs That Your Girlfriend Isn’t Sexually Attracted to You
Your girlfriend is potentially the person you want to partner with for life. Engaging in healthy sexual attraction is a vital part of that for most people.
Communicate, question, share, and create a safe space to open up and really get to know each other if you want to get her sexually interested in you again. If that doesn’t do the trick, you may need to delve deeper.
Want to work on your relationship so it's healthy and will last? Then check out these 11 emotional needs we have in relationships and how you and your partner can meet them.
And if you're looking for more articles about relationships, be sure to check out these blog posts:
- 13 Signs She’s an Emotionally Unavailable Woman
- 15 Warning Signs That Your Partner Has Commitment Issues
- 7 Steps to Overcome Insecurities in a Relationship