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Mothers are the pillar that upholds their family, right? They bear the children, and since the child comes from the mother’s body, she will walk through fire for her offspring, and never stop loving them. At least, that’s how the fairytale goes for some children.
Sadly, you may have noticed signs your mother hates you. Yes, it’s a bitter truth that some women aren’t cut out for motherhood, or some trauma turns their mind against their children.
And if the signs line up and are consistent, you may well have to face the reality that your mother is capable of actually hating you.
What should be a pure love, the deepest love, and the love that equates mothers to divinity in most children’s eyes can turn to conflict, agitation, and jealousy as your mother becomes toxic.
This toxicity can be directed at a mother’s adopted child, stepchild, and biological child.
The result places the vulnerable mind of a child in the clutches of a toxic situation that can negatively affect their development. Later in life, the hated child may become as toxic and perpetuate the cycle of offspring hate.
So knowing the signs, and also deciding what you are going to do about your toxic and hateful mother is vital to living a life free from bitterness and resentment.
What Does “Not-So Subtle” Mean?
An overt aggression is when you intentionally act out and show people you are unhappy about something. Being less overt or up front, you may act in a more subtle way, so you hide your actions.
While you may not shout your standing from the top of the roof, you can hint at it in strong terms, which is where the not-so subtle meaning comes in.
We use the term not-so subtle to indicate that when you see signs that show your mother hates you, it will knock you off your feet. These signs are the equivalent to a head jerk to show someone what you are looking at.
A mother will never admit to hating her child, but she may nod her head in the direction of hateful behavior. In reality, that not-so subtle sign could indicate she’s been abusing her child, neglecting them, or endangering them.
What Is Hate?
Hate is when you no longer love something, but it’s also an active process where you turn against what you previously loved, seeking to harm that person now. Hate is a process of anger, resentment, and negativity that becomes enacted against someone close to you.
When you hate, you become blinded to the world, and you can only see the object of your hate, and you only think of how they are flawed or have caused you harm (which may be a warped perspective).
As a mother, you may end up hating your child when you have suffered maternal burnout, which means you don’t have the energy or compassion to look after a young infant. Most children believe they receive some emotional strain when interacting with their parents.
A mother who hates her child feels intense dislike, anger, disgust, or contempt for them (they may secretly feel this way about themselves, so they project onto their child).
Reasons Why a Mom May Hate Her Child
While any child certainly knows how to push their mom’s buttons, this is not enough reason to hate your child. So why would a mother ever decide to hate their child?
Let’s start by learning what causes this hate.
Emotional Confusion Between Hate and Love
Some mothers confuse hate and love. They strongly believe they are capable parents who love their child, not realizing they are actually behaving in hateful ways to their child.
This could reflect their own twisted childhood, where they didn’t receive real love, and so they don’t know what real love is.
Imagine your mother pushing you to do your best in everything. She may never understand you or really support you as she only strives for your perfection. It’s not tough love; it’s hateful parenting.
The result is that you’ll resent your mother, despite “everything she does for you.”
Parents often try to live vicariously through their children, and a mother may seem to want the best for you, but she could also be jealous of all you have and all you are, compared to her own childhood or who she has become.
You may be more accomplished than her, which fuels her jealousy.
Should your father spoil you with love, your mother may resent this and be jealous, feeling that she doesn’t enjoy the same affection from her husband.
Her hate may manifest in little ways she undercuts you, such as mentioning how spoiled you are, criticizing what you wear, or stating that you don’t cook as well as she does.
She may also become violent, slamming doors or even punishing you harshly, or she may avoid you, never being there for you.
An Unforgivable Action
Did you do something that upset your mother? Perhaps you unknowingly flirted with her new boyfriend or you may have broken a special ornament that meant the world to her. An unforgivable action can take many forms. It can even be as simple as being born.
Not all mothers want to be mothers, and if the pregnancy was coerced from her, she could resent you and feel you ruined her life. If you are an adopted child, she may feel you are somehow flawed since you’re not her genetic pool.
Even if she chose to adopt you, she may not have been fully prepared for becoming a mother. Her behavior can turn from nurturing to toxic.
She may turn you into her punching bag, and she could offload all her resentment, feelings of inadequacy, and fears onto you, which you will experience as deep feelings of hate.
Her Mental Health
When you hurt inside, it’s very hard to love to others. If your mother has suffered a serious mental health challenge such as depression, anxiety, or a personality disorder, she could fail to show you love, and she may lash out when she feels at her lowest.
Not only is this hate, but it’s also abuse.
19 Not-So Subtle Signs Your Mother Hates You
Do you believe your mother hates you? Do you have doubts?
Well, these not-so subtle signs will assure you that your mother does, in fact, hate you.
1. Your Mom Is Unsupportive
A mom who doesn’t support you may hate you. In an ideal mother-child relationship, your mom is your biggest cheerleader and number 1 fan.
She is always there for you, supporting you, motivating you, giving you advice and constructive criticism, and being your shoulder to cry on. She’s your safe space where you can fall and land softly.
But when your mom doesn’t love you, those positive things of a mother-child relationship are missing (or lacking). You have to motivate and support yourself, or find friends and family who are there for you.
2. Your Mom Doesn’t Respect Your Boundaries or Your Rights
A mom who despises you won’t respect your boundaries. These rules or guidelines are meant to keep you safe, and you decide what’s allowed so you can protect your overall well-being.
While you have a right to privacy, a toxic mother won’t respect that right. She’ll sit in your room while you change clothes, enter the bathroom to do her business while you shower, and even remove your bedroom door if she wants.
And if you have a boundary to not discuss certain aspects of your life with her, she’ll insist on talking about those things and push you for information.
Your hateful mother is either so enmeshed in your life that she’s totally codependent on you or she’s spiteful and doesn’t honor your boundaries.
3. Your Mom Doesn’t Want You
Your mom may also resent you if she didn’t want to have a child or for the life she has.
Maybe she had an arranged marriage, was forced into marriage by other means, got pregnant because she was raped, or didn’t plan on having you. Or maybe your mom was simply not ready to have kids.
An unintended pregnancy (and you as the result) has lasting, severe consequences.
You weren’t born so your mom could make you feel like you are unwanted or tell you so. Your life has a purpose and you are so worthy of love and happiness.
4. Your Mom Always Compares You
Is your mom a comparison machine where she constantly compares you to herself, your siblings, cousins, friends, and strangers? Does she say things like “I did that so much better when I was your age” and “Your brother just knows how to make a success of himself”?
It’s very likely that your mom hates you. When she compares you with others, the purpose is to make you feel unworthy and bad about yourself.
She has an inferiority complex, a controlling personality, a poor self-esteem, or feels intimidated by you so she takes her negative feelings out on you.
As perverted as it may sound, your mom may even think that you’re into her husband (regardless of whether he’s your dad) or her boyfriend.
5. Your Mom Blames You for Her Unhappiness
There are moms who also blame you because she is unhappy. She thinks that you are the reason why she’s unhappy, and so she resents you. But chances are that you may end up resenting her way more than she hates you.
Your mom’s unhappiness isn’t your fault. She is an adult, responsible for her own choices and decisions in life. Her dissatisfaction with life is on her.
And you may find that your mom hating you gets worse when you are happy and achieving your goals.
6. Your Mom Doesn’t Validate Your Feelings, Needs, or Opinions
When your mom dismisses and doesn’t validate your needs, opinions, or feelings, she doesn’t have your back and may hate you.
Does she give you a cold shoulder or the silent treatment when you do share? Does she change the topic or walk away?
Or does she tell you that “you have it wrong,” “you can’t feel like that,” “you’re too sensitive and shouldn’t cry,” and “you can’t think like that”?
You find that you can’t express any kind of emotion to your mom, but that her reaction is so much stronger and worse when it’s a failure or challenge or feelings of sadness or disappointment that you share.
7. Your Mom Takes Her Frustrations out on you
Emotional regulation is not something all mothers are capable of, and if your mother can’t control herself, she may lash out and release her frustrations on you.
You are her punching bag, and she may be needlessly harsh on you if you make a mistake, since she’s also hard on herself.
As a child, you’re the “weaker” party in her life, so it’s easier for her to dominate you and make herself feel better for bullying you.
8. Your Mom Always Argues and Fights with You
Some conflict between a mother and her child is normal. After all, you are two unique people, so you may not always see eye to eye.
However, when your mother fights with you about everything and constantly looks for arguments, it’s a sign she doesn’t respect you and hates you.
Chances are that you start avoiding her because she wakes up a dark side of you when she seeks conflict.
9. Your Mom Is Overly Critical of You
Mothers should help their children grow and learn from mistakes. If your mother uses your mistakes as opportunities to belittle you, criticize you, and speak with intolerance about you, it’s a sign that she’s hateful of you.
Without a mother’s support, you may begin to feel worthless, unloved, and like a failure. Harsh criticism has the power to negatively change your path in life.
Instead of sharing with her and turning to her for advice, you’d rather ask an 800-helpline for advice and support. You know that whatever you say, she’ll find flaws, point out weakness, and express disappointment with your choices.
10. Your Mom Is Abusive
A mom who’s abusive doesn’t love and care about you. Your mom may verbally, emotionally, physically, financially, or psychologically abuse you – and I hope that you know you don’t deserve that and that it is not okay for anyone to abuse you.
It’s easier to identify physical, verbal, and financial abuse compared to emotional abuse.
A mom who emotionally abuses you will try to control, belittle, gaslight, or manipulate you. She can also isolate you, withhold affection and love to punish you, and use your insecurities and vulnerabilities against you.
It’s essential to identify patterns of abuse and take steps to protect yourself from it (and even more so if you can’t escape from it). You are worthy of kindness and respect.
11. Your Mom Doesn’t Show You Love or Affection
When was the last time your mom hugged you or smiled at you as she handed you a plate? If your mother is hateful of you she can’t show real love and affection.
She is lost in negative emotions, which always spill over in harmful and hateful behavior. Showing real love and affection is impossible for her.
Physical touch is one of the ways your mother should build affection with you from your early childhood. Hugs, kisses, and holding hands shouldn’t be something you do in public for show. Does she show you love or tell you that she loves you?
12. Your Mom Is Waiting for You to Fail
If your mom wants you to fail and fall on your face (and almost revels in it), then she hates you. Your mom loves saying “I told you so” when you make a mistake and she’ll rub your nose in how much of a failure you are.
Every chance she gets, she brings up the past and with it, your failures. She consciously brings you down and she can’t wait for you to mess up – again.
13. Your Mom Is Apathetic
In the absence of love, apathy takes over. Your mom may not beat you or actually tell you she hates you, but if she’s oblivious to your life and experiences and doesn’t care a bit about you, she’s apathetic.
A mother who lacks any self-awareness may not realize she is in competition with her child, and she could react with negativity when her child does well. Feeling apathetic, your mom may feel the opposite of what you experience as joy.
14. Your Mom Guilt Trips and Shames You
A mother who hates will use manipulation tactics as she lacks emotional maturity, which can lead to being guilt-tripped, making you feel responsible for everything in her life.
A hateful mother may be a narcissist, which opens an array of psychologically damaging tactics that she has no problem using.
She starts playing games with your feelings, and makes you take decisions that aren’t in your best interest.
All the guilt and shame she should feel for her behavior toward you becomes put onto you, and you are the one who chokes on feeling guilty when you did nothing wrong.
15. Your Mom’s a Gossip
While we can all be a gossip at times, your mom hating you and being a gossip takes that to a whole new level. The problem is your mom gossips about you and shares personal (and private) information about you with others – anyone who’s willing to listen.
She talks about your achievements, your failures, your first anything, the growth underneath your foot, the ingrown hair you have, and your deepest fears and insecurities.
Nothing is off limits when your mom talks about you – in front of you and behind your back. And she may even go so far to start and spread rumors about you.
16. Your Mom Doesn’t Approve of You – Ever
We have a biological need to make our parents proud of us and approve of who we are and our choices in life.
And it is natural to constantly seek this approval (especially when you are young or haven’t yet realized that no matter what you do, you’ll never earn your mom’s approval).
Nothing you do feels like it’s ever enough. You could move mountains, fetch the moon, or travel to a different galaxy, yet your mom won’t ever think what you do is right or enough.
17. Your Mom Loves to Be in the Spotlight and Steals It from You
Is your mom a drama queen and loves to be the center of attention? That’s okay, but when she purposefully steals your spotlight (particularly if you’re an (over) achiever), she may hate you.
When people start to pay you compliments or remark on your success, your mom steals the show by telling the folks about her accomplishments and how she did X, Y, and Z so much better.
Your toxic mom can’t stand it when people shower you with attention and affection because she needs to be the star of the show.
18. Your Mom Makes You the Scapegoat of the Family
Do you always get blamed for everything? Are you the scapegoat of the family?
Chances are high that your mom hates you, and she singles you out for her and the rest of the family’s transgressions, disappointments, failures, anger, negativity, and fear.
It’s obviously easier to blame someone else – you – than it is to blame herself.
19. Your Mom Isn’t a Mom to You
If your mom is childish and demands (and expects) that you should mother her, she may hate you. She expects you to put her needs and wants first, and if she isn’t your number 1 priority, boy oh boy do you get it then. It’s like the end of the world for her.
You find that you are the parent, when you are actually the child (even if you’re an adult) and your mom should be there for you to love, care for, and support you. But you are fulfilling this motherly role for your mom (and yourself).
Final Thoughts about the Signs Your Mother Hates You
Many of us have moments as children where we believe our parents hate us, but there may also be signs your mother hates you, and these shouldn’t be ignored.
Not all mothers are good mothers, and some mothers engage in abusive actions toward her children, making them into less than they are.
Is your mom your supporter and go-to-person or does she hate you? Only you can answer this question, and looking out for some signs that your mom is toxic may help you decide whether your mother is good or bad for your mental health.
And if you want more articles about family, be sure to check out these blog posts:
- Family Scapegoat: Definition, Signs, and How to Cope
- 21 Prayers for Your FAMILY During Difficult Times
- 7 Obvious Signs You’re a Family Oriented Person