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Uh-oh! Your husband does what? He yells at you? I’m sure you feel hurt. After all, you expect him to love, respect, and protect you.
That time my girlfriend said to me, “My husband yells at me and makes me cry,” I wanted to tell her to yell back at him and let’s see how he feels. I had to stop myself. That was how the old me dealt with people who had trouble controlling their tone of voice.
You, my dear, don’t have to tit for tat with him or try to get even. You don’t have to cry. You don’t have to keep calm and carry on. What you can do is assert yourself and make him treat you with the respect you deserve.
So how about learning 13 strategies to get that man of yours back in line? Let’s get right to it!
Why Does My Husband Yell at Me?
Yelling to express negative emotions is considered verbal and emotional abuse, so let’s not even try to defend your husband. That said, why is he yelling at you in the first place?
It could be a learned behavior if he was raised in a household where yelling was the norm. He might scream to assert control as the man of the house when he's feeling insecure or intimidated. Below are other possible reasons.
He’s stressed or angry
We can agree that life is filled with daily stressors. Not everyone knows how to cope with stress and anger in healthy ways. Yelling could be his coping mechanism, especially after a tough day at the job.
Some men are also less tuned into their spouses or interested in dealing with family matters when they are tired or sleepy.
Something is bothering him
When a man has something on his mind that’s causing him to worry, like financial problems, he may shut down emotionally.
Once this happens, he may not have the emotional bandwidth to engage in discussions pertaining to anything. He might get annoyed, stonewall, or yell at you.
He feels a lack of purpose
Men judge themselves harshly and by societal rules regarding their masculine roles and functions. As such, they may lash out when they’re under pressure to perform as a husband, father, and head of household, or feel they’re failing in their roles.
Factors such as loss of employment or low performance in the bedroom can cause stress, anxiety, and even depression.
He lacks emotional control
As boys, they were socialized into thinking they had to suppress emotions such as anger and sadness, and even happy feelings such as love. They’re supposed to internalize pain and hardship and remain stoic.
Men can only suppress their emotions for so long before they meet an explosion point. They’ll yell, throw tantrums, or even become violent because they were not thought to feel or regulate their emotions.
A man who has a patient temperament and is able to regulate his emotions might not be pushed to those limits.
Emotional and Psychological Effects of Yelling
Initially, you may feel upset, sad, scared, threatened, or terrified. Those are normal reactions. As time goes on, the pattern of yelling will start taking a toll on your mental health.
By now, you’re experiencing helplessness or worthlessness due to lowered self-esteem. You might begin to fear him, especially if his moods are unpredictable.
You may feel as if you’re walking on eggshells. This can create some level of anxiety or cause you to avoid him.
Depending on the severity of the problem and how long it has been going on, you could experience post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). A breakdown in communication, loss of trust, loss of affection, and an overall erosion of the marriage are other potential outcomes, according to Marriage.com.
There’s more. “Verbal abuse chips away at how you feel about yourself and has a significant impact on your life,” according to Talkspace therapist Jill Daino, LCSW-R. Daino says it takes a toll not only on mental health but also on relationships with family and friends. “It’s incredibly confusing and leaves invisible scars.”
13 Effective Ways to Make Your Husband Stop Yelling at You
Shouting may be acceptable only in exceptional circumstances, such as if one of you is in danger and needs urgent help. Outside of those situations, he should be told what he’s doing is wrong and needs to stop.
Here are a few suggestions that have worked for many wives, including my girlfriend. Trust me, if my husband yells at me, I would use these strategies too.
You can choose to address the matter in a candid but tactful manner so as not to hurt his feelings. Ultimately, your manner of approach will depend on your relationship dynamics and your understanding of each other’s communication style.
#1. Acknowledge yelling is unhealthy
You’re here because you want to know how to make your husband stop yelling at you. I get it. You don’t like it. You feel upset. You want it to stop, but don’t really know the best way to approach the situation. Perhaps you don’t want to risk further upsetting him.
As much as you love your partner, you also have to put your well-being first by accepting that his behavior is taking a toll on you.
Admitting the problem is the first step to bringing about change and puts you in the right mindset for finding solutions. Why Mindset is Everything: 9 Reasons to Master Your Thoughts.
#2. Try to understand the root cause
Pausing to figure out what’s causing the situation can provide insightful information you could have missed. Everyone has emotional triggers or things that spark certain reactions. Reflect on what was happening right before he raised his voice.
Did you raise your voice? Did you say something that could have offended him? Did you ignore him or walk away while he was talking to you? Was he already agitated, to begin with?
These questions aren’t about casting blame. They can help you analyze the situation or patterns that trigger yelling. Sharing your findings with your hubby can also help him to be mindful of his emotions and practice mindful communication.
#3. Don't react
Staying calm when tensions are running high may be easy for you if it’s a natural personality trait. For some people, it’s difficult not to impulsively react by raising their voices or getting worked up. Do not yell back. That will probably turn things into a yelling match.
Getting offended and launching a counter-attack could quickly escalate into a full-blown argument. Let good sense prevail by practicing emotion regulation. Pause to count, breathe, and think before you say anything. You could also choose to remain calm and quiet until things settle.
#4. Try calming him down
You know your husband’s temperament. Assess the situation first to decide whether you should step in to try and calm him down. If you’re not going to put yourself in harm’s way, try talking to him.
Calmly ask him if there’s something on his mind he wants to talk about or whether you said or did something he didn’t like.
Reassure him that you understand his frustration, whether its work or family issues. Let him know you’re here to listen when he’s in a better frame of mind to talk, since now doesn’t appear to be a good time.
#5. Suggest talking at a later time
Yelling at someone shuts down communication even for those skilled in the art. A cool-off period is warranted when tensions are running high and helps de-escalate things.
You could say something like, “I see you’re upset, so I think it’s best if we take a break and resume the conversation at a later time.”
He’ll likely be able to carry on a healthy conversation with the right tone of voice once he’s in a better mood. You’ll also have time to process your feelings and regain your composure during the calm-down period.
Take the opportunity later to ask him to address his conduct or provide a reason for it. This way you’ll know if you had something to do with it and take steps to adjust your own behavior.
#6. Leave the situation
If your husband continues to raise his voice, inform him you’re taking a time out and will leave the room.
Reassure him that you’re not dismissing him in any way and would love to hear him out when he’s calm, then leave.
Go for a walk to clear your head. He’ll also have space to regroup and return to the conversation in a better emotional state.
If he pulls you or blocks the doorway to stop you, he has crossed a line. These are early warning signs of violence and should not be tolerated at all. If you don’t address it, the abusive behavior will escalate into physical violence, according to Domestic Shelters.org.
#7. Talk about his behavior
Now that everyone is calm and collected, it’s time to address your husband’s ongoing conduct. Allow him to explain what’s driving the behavior. Listen without interrupting to defend yourself if he tries to blame you.
Process what he said before responding. Explain what you understand from what he said to get clarity before sharing your thoughts. These steps are part of practicing good communication within the marriage and can help minimize further misunderstandings.
Regardless of whether or not he accepts he was wrong for yelling, let him know the behavior is unhealthy and unacceptable.
#8. Express how you feel
Now that your hubby is in the right mindset to hear you, it’s time to say how you feel. You could say something like, “I don’t like it when you yell at me. It makes me feel awful.”
You can go further by explaining you feel like you’re walking on eggshells around him and try to do everything right to avoid triggering a yelling spell.
Maybe you feel unloved, scared, threatened, anxious, or withdrawn. Whatever your feelings, tell him. If you have kids, explain the harmful effects yelling and screaming have on children. Effects include stress or anxiety, increased aggression, and low self-esteem.
#9. Tell him to stop
After explaining how yelling makes you feel, ask him to stop immediately. Asking (or telling) someone to quit doing something you don’t like is setting a personal boundary. Now, this is a simple and straightforward request. The question is, will he heed or ignore your boundaries?
If your husband is a narcissist, he’ll probably get defensive or deflect from the issues due to a lack of empathy. He might even say you’re “too sensitive.” Don’t buy it. Calling you sensitive is dismissing your feelings and shows that he doesn’t care about your feelings.
If, however, he apologizes and is receptive and empathetic, you can offer to help him work on improving his behavior.
#10. Set ground rules for managing disagreements
Couples disagree all the time, that’s just the nature of intimate relationships. However, it doesn’t have to lead to arguments, yelling, and emotional meltdowns.
Establishing ground rules or boundaries will help prevent things from escalating. Tell your partner you will check out of the conversation and walk away if he chooses to shout his point across.
Make it clear that this isn’t a threat but a condition to promote healthy conversations and respect. He may not like your stance, and may even accuse you of being unreasonable, but stick to your guns.
At some point, he’ll have to adjust the way he handles his emotions. Otherwise, leave and let him yell at the four walls.
#11. Avoid trigger topics
Certain topics may trigger your husband's anger or cause him to scream at you. If, after tracking his yelling patterns, you notice certain topics make him upset, try to avoid them.
For example, if he gets mad whenever you bring up his past. Some men also don't like it when their wives ask about their emotional state or bring up their sexual struggles.
Of course, there are going to be sensitive topics that must be discussed, such as those that involve marital issues. In these instances, try and approach the subject with care. Reassure him that you have his best interest at heart.
#12. Discuss getting relationship counseling
If you can’t seem to get your husband to stop yelling after trying these strategies, it may be time to get couples therapy.
A relationship therapist or counselor can help your husband figure out the root cause of the behavior, what triggers it, and how to deal with it.
Attending couples therapy sessions together will give you an opportunity to share your feelings in a non-judgmental environment with the therapist. They can help both of you see each other’s point of view.
Therapists also provide tools to help couples manage stress and improve their communication skills.
#13. Call the domestic violence hotline
Abuse isn’t only physical, as so many people think. Yelling is emotional abuse and can have lasting psychological effects. No one deserves to be on the receiving end of such behavior.
CONTACT the National Domestic Violence Hotline or CALL 1-800-799 SAFE (7233) if you need someone to talk to or to locate a domestic violence counselor. They can also help with locating a DV shelter for women if you’re experiencing physical or other forms of abuse.
Note that keeping calm and carrying on isn’t a solution. Neither is giving him the silent treatment or using other passive-aggressive tactics. If you don’t address the problem head-on, your husband will think its okay. He’ll continue yelling and won’t know how it’s affecting you.
Final Thoughts on My Husband Yells at Me What to Do
Husbands yell at their wives for different reasons, but it isn’t a healthy form of communication. While your husband has a right to experience negative emotions, lashing out at you isn’t a solution or a healthy coping skill.
An emotionally intelligent and self-aware man would respond differently. He would more likely express how he’s feeling and take steps to regulate his emotions to avoid upsetting you. He’s thinking about your well-being, which is a sign of empathy.
Since you’re probably dealing with an emotionally immature and un-self-aware man, you’ll have to call out the behavior and tell him to stop. Hopefully, he values your marriage enough to do the inner work and develop his communication skills.
Sadly, yelling sometimes signals the beginning of something worse. Or perhaps it was there all along and you just missed it… because it was less obvious than being shouted at.
If you’re wondering, continue reading our article on 13 Early Red Flags in a Relationship You Should NEVER Ignore.