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There are many different ways to get a feeling of happiness. Some are better than others – the happiness that comes from friendship is more durable than the happiness that comes from power.
Is the same true of gratitude?
There are many different ways to get a feeling of gratitude. On Saturday, Ciara wrote of her belief that the gratitude that comes from the social comparison is less durable than the gratitude that comes from non-social comparison.
Social comparison: I am grateful that my house is bigger than my neighbors.
Non-social comparison: I am grateful I have a house (compared to not having a house).
At a glance, it doesn’t look like there’s a difference.
In one study, two groups were asked to complete a gratitude journal. One group was asked to write down ways in which they were better off than others, the other to write down things for which they are grateful for having.
Both groups experienced a similar change in gratitude and positive emotion.1
Likewise, research from social psychology suggests that comparing yourself to those worse off generates positive emotion, “Wow! I have a job and my neighbor doesn’t. I’m so grateful, I’m happy.”2
However, there are three important caveats.
1) A downward social comparison is correlated with pride, “Wow! I have a job and my neighbor doesn’t. I must be smarter, I’m happy.”2 Personally, I don’t think pride is a sin – I think many people could use more of it. However, having too much of it can be dangerous. In addition, there is some evidence that downward social comparison can reduce empathy.3 If you’re worried, there are tons of other ways to cultivate gratitude.
2) In certain situations with certain people, the downward social comparison makes people feel worse. Rather than thinking, “Wow! I’m so lucky to have a job,” they think, “Wow! There are so many people getting laid off. What’s to stop that from happening to me?” The good news is that there’s no subconscious trickery going on – you’ll know if social comparison works for you. Does it make you think happy thoughts or unhappy ones?
3) It pisses kids off.
Recall Ciara’s story,
My youngest children often complain about how they don’t have an iPad and their friends do or how it’s not fair that John got a new PC for Christmas and the laptop allocated for their use at home is so old it won’t even play Minecraft. I get irritated and angry that my children can be so selfish and greedy.
So I start by telling them to be grateful for what they have, “there are so many children in the world that have no electronics or that don’t even have enough to eat.” And when they complain about having to walk to school or about bringing the dog for a walk, I tell them to think about the boy who lives around the corner from us who only has one leg. But then I realized I’m making the same mistakes as my parents.
Let’s think about this for a moment.
What I see in this story isn’t an attempt by Ciara to make her kids more grateful and happier, but to get them to shut up and stop complaining.
Sort of like when Mom used to tell me to eat my veggies, “because there are starving children in India.” She wasn’t trying to get me to better appreciate my veggies. She wanted me to shut up and eat. Which is understandable – veggies are good and complaining is annoying.
But if the goal is to cultivate gratitude and appreciation, the downward social comparison fails. Kids are self-centered. “People are starving in India? Huh? Why should I care?” For a kid, forced gratitude doesn’t equal happiness, it equals shut up and stop complaining.
However, there’s an incredibly simple and effective way that you can nurture gratitude in children, without any hint of coercion.
What went well?
From Martin Seligman’s recollection of a successful positive education program,4 implemented in Australia,
Like all Geelong Grammar six-year-olds, Kevin starts his day in a semicircle with his uniformed first-grade classmates. Facing his teacher, Kevin shoots his hand up when the class is asked, “Children, what went well last night?” Eager to answer, several first graders share brief anecdotes such as “We had my favorite last night: spaghetti” and “I played checkers with my older brother, and I won.”
Kevin says, “My sister and I cleaned the patio after dinner, and Mum hugged us after we finished.”
The teacher follows up with Kevin. “Why is it important to share what went well?”
He doesn’t hesitate: “It makes me feel good.”
“Anything more, Kevin?”
“Oh, yes, my mum asks me what went well when I get home every day, and it makes her happy when I tell her. And when Mum’s happy, everybody’s happy.”
As a parent, you don’t get to choose what your kid focuses on – he’ll be grateful for the things he cares about – spaghetti, playing checkers, and getting dirty. Asking him what went well won’t make him stop complaining about his veggies, but it will help him develop a more grateful person.
1. Froh, J. J., Sefick, W. J., & Emmons, R. A. (2008). Counting blessings in early adolescents: An experimental study of gratitude and subjective well-being. Journal of School Psychology, 46(2), 213-233.2. Smith, R. H. (2000). Assimilative and contrastive emotional reactions to upward and downward social comparisons. Handbook of social comparison: Theory and research, 173-200.
3. Yip, J. J., & Kelly, A. E. (2013). Upward and downward social comparisons can decrease prosocial behavior. Journal of Applied Social Psychology.
4. Seligman, Martin E. P. (2011-04-05). Flourish (p. 93). Simon & Schuster, Inc. Kindle Edition.